There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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