btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
