yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
