Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
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