he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
3 2 1 whiskey
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
She has the best kind of daddy issues
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
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