Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Randomize
