he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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