Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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