i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
