Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
