He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
