woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
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