Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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