Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
