Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I just sucked dick on a ferry
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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