turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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