May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
