I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
