So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
