I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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