I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
