She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
