Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
