Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
