Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
