i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
