Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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