We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
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