the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
