You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
