I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
