i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
