i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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