The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
