I'm so fucking centered right now
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Randomize
