Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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