I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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