I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
