Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
