Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
