There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
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