It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Houston, we have a squirter
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
