sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Randomize
