Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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