so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
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