So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Randomize
