Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
