i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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