I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
