Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
