You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
