Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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