go do what you do best...puke behind churches
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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