He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
