Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
