somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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