I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
