He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
