Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
