I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
