she looked like the before picture.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
