I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
