I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
