dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
